I still find it hard to talk about last August.

It was the week of the sprint canoe world championships in Szeged, Hungary and my entire sport career was coming down to this moment – a chance to qualify for the Olympic Games. And not just any Olympics. Tokyo 2020 was going to be the first Games since 1936 to feature women’s canoe. It was also the first time an equal number of female and male events across all disciplines would take place in both sprint and slalom canoe along with kayak. 

A swirl of emotion still runs through my body as I sit down to describe the worlds. I was confident in our abilities -- top eight was the minimum qualification for C2 (two-person canoe) -- and believed we could do it even with the worst race. 

What I never visualized was not racing C2. 

Laurence Vincent-Lapointe and I have raced C2 together since 2015, but the true beginning wasn’t until 2017, when women’s C1 200 metre and C2 500 metre events were included in the Tokyo 2020 Olympic Games program.

From setting a world record, to two 500 metre world titles, Laurence and I have reached the podium every time we lined up to the starting blocks. 

But our relationship is tricky at times. Even though we race together, we also race against each other in C1 races – a discipline Laurence has dominated for years. It’s not always easy to race with someone and then two hours later race against them. We make it work because we respect each other, the process and feeling of a medal. We both love racing for Canada and red and gold is a great colour combo.

Tokyo was always Laurence and I’s golden goal. We wanted all three medals that were up for grabs and had a plan to do it.

Until one day we didn’t.

On Aug. 19, Laurence tested positive for a banned substance from a standard out-of- competition test we did in July. The results came back a week before the worlds and she was provisionally suspended until the matter was resolved. There were no answers, but plenty of questions, especially since our team has clean sport values and our supplements had been tested before. I was devastated and hurting for Laurence, but there was still an opportunity to put my head down, block out the noise, and punch Canada a ticket to the Olympics.

I found out on the Monday and had to switch events to the C1 200, which started Thursday. Despite the whirlwind week, one of my life’s proudest moments was crossing the finish line in fifth place to help qualify my country for the Olympics. 

Growing up, I always wanted to be an Olympian. I honestly don’t know a time when I wasn’t involved in some sort of sport program, from alpine skiing to varsity school sports, I was on it. My high school careers test said I should be a professional athlete. It was definitely right. 

I was 10 years old when I first walked into the Mississauga Canoe Club for the atom summer program. Now 24, I will still walk into the same club and paddle up and down the same river. It’s home -- a safe place full of familiar faces. When times are tough, floating up the Credit River has helped me clear my head on more than one occasion. 

I was training for the Olympics for many years without certainty that women’s canoe would be there. I learned something extremely valuable during that time: you just have to love what you do. I woke up and trained hard for as long as I could remember. It didn’t matter if I had the proper equipment or adequate funding. 

When women’s canoe was announced it would be in the Olympics, my mentality didn’t change. It wasn’t me that started this movement, it was the people before me who fought for this equality and finally won. For me, it was time to step up as an athlete leader, show the world what Canadian women are made of and carry the torch. That’s what I find fun and why I’m still here doing what I do after so long. 

The women’s canoe movement started in Canada. The Canadian women’s canoe team have opportunities to compete because many strong women in our sport have gone against the grain and stood up for what they believed in. Eighty-four years is a very long time to gain gender equality. Not to mention that the “C” in C1 and C2 stands for “Canadian style” canoeing. Our sport is even named after this great country. This is a Canadian movement by Canadian women in a Canadian sport (special mention to American Pam Boteler for her efforts as well). 

That’s why pride shines through me when I put that maple leaf on a beam. If I could do anything that week in Hungary, it was to help write a small chapter of this story. The stakes were high, circumstances far less than ideal and future full of unknowns. Heck, even the past was full of unknowns! I was very lost for so many different reasons, but there were three things I knew I could ground myself in: a boat, knee block and canoe paddle. These are my tools, the same ones women’s canoe builders used to develop this event.	

I don’t believe there’s one person to blame for not having women’s canoe in the Olympics all these years. The culture of sport developed over time and our sport got stuck on the outside and had to work its way in. 

Women’s canoe events have dated far back into the 1900s in Canada. Other parts of the world have only introduced women to the sport earlier this millennium. It’s been a blessing to watch a sport develop over the years and I have the most respect for my peers all over the world that have become trail blazers in their country. 

A standard women’s canoe podium in recent years features athletes from North and South America, Europe and Asia. Each one of those women – whether they were on or off the podium -- helped shape this sport to a new level. It took more than a village to get the sport where it is and there’s still a long way to go, not just for our sport, but for making sure women all around the world have equal sport opportunities.

Laurence rejoined our team in January after her case was cleared as she didn’t knowingly take the substance. It was almost six months since we had last been in a boat together and there were only eight months until the Olympics. We had a lot of work to do and a very different plan. 

Steady progress was being made until March, when everything in the foreseeable future was postponed or cancelled due to the new coronavirus. It was the correct decision to postpone the Games, although it did leave me very lost. A new plan, albeit an uncertain one, is to be written.

Physically, I wasn’t worried. This is another year to get fitter, faster and stronger. A bit of time in self-isolation won’t erase a lifetime of work. 

Mentally, emotionally and even spiritually is a bigger hurdle. I’m not strong enough to wake up every day and pretend like everything is going to be OK. We just don’t know that. The only thing I do know is myself. So, I leaned into some of my strengths, personality traits and values, gave myself time and space to process, and developed a new approach to sport and life that would allow room for change. 

This year was supposed to be the biggest of my life. I had planned every detail in my head from the moment it was possible many years ago. Now, I don’t remember a single part of that original plan. If that was Plan A, we’re on Plan Z54. 

Sharing my story now slightly feels like a memoir, and in many ways it is. It’s a memoir to life before COVID-19. We’re entering a new world with many new normals. The world we once knew and the adversities that came with it are in the past. The universe is opening a new chapter.

I hope this new world includes a fair and safe Olympic Games for all and continued support for getting women around the world equal opportunity in and out of sport. My dream is still to be wearing that maple leaf on a racecourse in Tokyo with “O Canada” blasting through the speakers. It’s a dream I visualize often, not just to see it, but to feel it. It’s a moment I’ve waited so long for. 

Wherever you are trying to go and whatever you want to do next, my advice is to be patient and just take it one stroke at a time.

It’s the journey and not the destination. In this current time, it feels like the destination is uncertain.